I didn't know why I miss him yesterday, much. I couldn't tell you how was it feels like. But I really want to met him for a while. I really want to hug him, tho it was impossible thing. Yesterday, when I talked to him, my old sister texted me. She said that she miss dad so much, she was crying whole night, til her eyes swollen. She just noticed that dad was not with us again, she just noticed that she couldn't hug him again. Never. I didn't know, at that same time I was also missing my daddy so so so much. At that same time, I knew that my mom and my lil sister were also missing dad. And suddenly, it gave me encouragement to meet him tho for a while, I mean, I needed to meet his grave stone...
Without take long mind, I persuaded my sister, Rahma, to visit there with me. I knew, she was also missing dad too. At 5 pm, we went from home. Dad's grave just about 2,5 kilometres from home. Arrived there, we prayed to God for him. I prayed for me also. And suddenly, I cried too loud. I reminded all about my false, about all worse that I did times ago. God... I was not good women, I was not good people at all. Really. I want to be good person, start from now. Tho, I already knew, it just started after dad died. I started to be the good one. I promised to God, to myself too. I told Rahma, I was not good as old-sister, ago. But I want to change. And I promised. I never told anyone about "myself" in details. Never. I just kept it by myself. But I realized that was not good at all. And I want to start my new life with my family, my partner, all good people around me. I let go those who are not good for me or those who just criticized me like enemy. They really didn't know about me. So, why I just stuck on what people think about me? It's my new life, and I am happy for that. I found what so called "happiness". Simpy happiness.
I cried loud there, while Rahma just listened to me. I didn't know why I felt so so so sad. New year eve will come soon, and it reminds us about daddy. He always took us to see the firework and the city. Now, noone will take us. And, there was still many things that made me sad. But, it was going ok then. Sometimes, I just going melancholic, if my heart feeling sad. I just need to cry loud like noone hear me. Then, I can survive for mom and my siblings. I love them all.
And, after stayed there for a while, we went to home..
I saw the cleary skies at evening...
The flowers blossom nice...
The fresh air...
The birds sang...
All the wondeful creature by God...
And I am just thankful, because God let me to be the "new" of me....
Regards,
-Bening-
