and switched off....
like alive....
when the things come up...
there would be time to go away...
This post is brought to you by "My Father in Memoriam"
Eight days ago,
precisely on 10 June 2013, my father
has passed away.
Father... very hard for me to interpret the meaning of that 'word'. For most
people, would
be easy to interpret that 'word',
was not so for me.
Since my childhood, I lived without a father figure. My biological father and mother divorced, even before I was born. My father left us. I didn't know for what reason, lately, when I was growing up, I could understand the reason. My mother never mocking my biological father, for sure. She always said that my father left us, to earn money for us. Mom always took me and my brother to my father, every year, in order to connect relationship between child-their father. Although, we have never met him, every time we visited there. I didn't know why he never wanted to see us, even contacted us or tried to find us. All I knew, after I was teenager, my father did not recognize me as her daughter. That's it. But, somehow, mom still took us over there, looking for him, every year. Only disappointment that we found. We never seen his face, his picture, Moreover his address obviously.
Since that, I get a father figure from my grandfather. My grandpa has completed most of my soul that lost because nothing father figure. That's why I love him so much, like love from daughter to her father. And when he passed away, I devastated to lose him. It could not tell how did my feelings. Read my childhood story part 1-6 to know me better.
When I was young, mom married a man, who later became my stepfather. I called him, "pakde". I found a new family as well of course. I have 3 brothers-sister (in step) and 3 brothers-sister (siblings). I also knew 'a new mother' from my step-brother. Since then, my mom lived with my new family, while me and my brother lived with our lovely grandparents and aunt. I rarely met mom, just once per week, even, it was occasionally. Sometimes every saturday-sunday, me and brother visited 'mom's house' -- we tought that our 'home' was Ndalem Martanan (my grandpa's house). Our step sister-brothers were very good, they often took us away. But, I was going through 'far' from my mom. And, slowly, a mom figure 'replaced' with grandmother and aunt figure.
After my grandma died, my new family moved into my 'home' (grandpa's house), Ndalem Martanan. I felt 'busy' families, that made me happy. All were summarized one-by-one, I was strand day-per-day. I felt things I had never felt, child's jealousy, resentment, anger, sense of belonging, sense of happiness, sense of complete...everything. Lot of new thing, lot of adjustment, and of course lot of new problem.
I did not hate my new family, or my step brother-sister, actually.
Even, my big-step-brother was the one who taught me first to ride motorcycle and drive car. When I was in high school, he often drove me everywhere I wanna go. He taught me tennis and volley-ball. He was very good at sports and business. He also taught me to cook a delicious Java noodle soup.
Another one of my step brother, he was very funny. He loves clubbing very much. He was the first person who taught me to play guitar. Anyway, he often hangs out with his friends, but he never ashamed to go with me. He always took me to go to his friends (mostly, his friends were 'mafia' or 'something like that'), but he always protected me. Evenmore, if there was one of his friend who 'came up' to me (or declared that he fell in love with me), my brother would refused him out. It was because he did not want me to get stuck in the environment which he said 'too hard to survive'.
My step sister always taught me how to design clothes, painting, making handmade, etc ... (FYI, she was a designer, she often held a fashion show in Solo-Jogja-Semarang-Jakarta). She was very tenacious in business, like my step father.
In fact, none of them were nasty to me, included my step father.. but I did not know why, I've always felt 'I was in wrong place' with them... See, how bad was I?
I did not understand my new family yet, even I was already 20 years. An immature age. Besides, after I was 20 years I met with my biological father (2 months from grandpa's died). I hugged my biological father for the first and last time. Anyway, after that met, my biological father died. Tragic. I never been hugged, moreover, how to wept him? I felt flat. Toooooooooo flat. Because we never been in touch and met, only once (and be the last one of course). Though, I would never separate from him biologically. How does not? Even in my last-name there was his name (binti Rahardjo). Great. (that was one the Greatness of God??)
Since my childhood, I lived without a father figure. My biological father and mother divorced, even before I was born. My father left us. I didn't know for what reason, lately, when I was growing up, I could understand the reason. My mother never mocking my biological father, for sure. She always said that my father left us, to earn money for us. Mom always took me and my brother to my father, every year, in order to connect relationship between child-their father. Although, we have never met him, every time we visited there. I didn't know why he never wanted to see us, even contacted us or tried to find us. All I knew, after I was teenager, my father did not recognize me as her daughter. That's it. But, somehow, mom still took us over there, looking for him, every year. Only disappointment that we found. We never seen his face, his picture, Moreover his address obviously.
Since that, I get a father figure from my grandfather. My grandpa has completed most of my soul that lost because nothing father figure. That's why I love him so much, like love from daughter to her father. And when he passed away, I devastated to lose him. It could not tell how did my feelings. Read my childhood story part 1-6 to know me better.
When I was young, mom married a man, who later became my stepfather. I called him, "pakde". I found a new family as well of course. I have 3 brothers-sister (in step) and 3 brothers-sister (siblings). I also knew 'a new mother' from my step-brother. Since then, my mom lived with my new family, while me and my brother lived with our lovely grandparents and aunt. I rarely met mom, just once per week, even, it was occasionally. Sometimes every saturday-sunday, me and brother visited 'mom's house' -- we tought that our 'home' was Ndalem Martanan (my grandpa's house). Our step sister-brothers were very good, they often took us away. But, I was going through 'far' from my mom. And, slowly, a mom figure 'replaced' with grandmother and aunt figure.
After my grandma died, my new family moved into my 'home' (grandpa's house), Ndalem Martanan. I felt 'busy' families, that made me happy. All were summarized one-by-one, I was strand day-per-day. I felt things I had never felt, child's jealousy, resentment, anger, sense of belonging, sense of happiness, sense of complete...everything. Lot of new thing, lot of adjustment, and of course lot of new problem.
I did not hate my new family, or my step brother-sister, actually.
Even, my big-step-brother was the one who taught me first to ride motorcycle and drive car. When I was in high school, he often drove me everywhere I wanna go. He taught me tennis and volley-ball. He was very good at sports and business. He also taught me to cook a delicious Java noodle soup.
Another one of my step brother, he was very funny. He loves clubbing very much. He was the first person who taught me to play guitar. Anyway, he often hangs out with his friends, but he never ashamed to go with me. He always took me to go to his friends (mostly, his friends were 'mafia' or 'something like that'), but he always protected me. Evenmore, if there was one of his friend who 'came up' to me (or declared that he fell in love with me), my brother would refused him out. It was because he did not want me to get stuck in the environment which he said 'too hard to survive'.
My step sister always taught me how to design clothes, painting, making handmade, etc ... (FYI, she was a designer, she often held a fashion show in Solo-Jogja-Semarang-Jakarta). She was very tenacious in business, like my step father.
In fact, none of them were nasty to me, included my step father.. but I did not know why, I've always felt 'I was in wrong place' with them... See, how bad was I?
I did not understand my new family yet, even I was already 20 years. An immature age. Besides, after I was 20 years I met with my biological father (2 months from grandpa's died). I hugged my biological father for the first and last time. Anyway, after that met, my biological father died. Tragic. I never been hugged, moreover, how to wept him? I felt flat. Toooooooooo flat. Because we never been in touch and met, only once (and be the last one of course). Though, I would never separate from him biologically. How does not? Even in my last-name there was his name (binti Rahardjo). Great. (that was one the Greatness of God??)
But, last monday, when Allah Ta'ala 'called' my father-in step 'back to Him', somehow,
I found myself very very badly hit!! Ya Allah.....it was Your plan, uh?
When I realized, I did not have a father figure,
now I realized that ... I
had a father!
So fast, too fast, exactly, for me who had just noticed him as a "real father" in my life...
So fast, too fast, exactly, for me who had just noticed him as a "real father" in my life...
A father who during his life, I never been thought 'he was there' for me ...
A father who during his life, I thought only 'stoped-over' in my life ...
In fact,
When he passed away, I felt so lost and devastated...
When I couldn't hug him again, I cried too long ...
Really .... I really felt the lost ...
I cried very deep and tried to be strong, for my mom and my little brother-sister ...
I even wanted him come back here, with us ...
I really deeply truly missed him Allah ...
But, Allah did Most Almighty, Allah created story that was soooo wonderful for me, for my family.
God still allowed me
to kiss his feet, before he passed away. God still allowed me to whisper the word of
apology and thanks, even though he was
in unconsciousness. God still allowed me to say that I love him, so much, as my father, as he stayed with me during his lif ...
Thank You God, Thank You Allah Ta'ala The Owner of Arsy...
You still gave me a chance to prove how much I love him as my dad, though, he was not my biological father, but he had always been there for me. For me, for his daughter....
You still gave me a chance to prove how much I love him as my dad, though, he was not my biological father, but he had always been there for me. For me, for his daughter....
I love you dad, I love you sooooooooo much...
Aku bangga padamu, karena engkau adalah hambaNYA yang selalu menjaga shalatmu.... engkau adalah umat Nabillah Muhammad SAW yang selalu mencintai sedekah... aku ingat, bagaimana engkau yang paling aktif mengajak kami shalat maghrib-isya berjamaah... aku ingat pada masa kecilku, bagaimana engkau berkultum saat bulan Ramadhan tentang "sirat al mustaqim"...
Dad... Dengan begitu banyaknya orang yang datang-berganti mendoakan dan menshalatkan jenazah untukmu, dengan begitu luar biasa banyaknya orang yang bertakziah hingga mengantarkan ke tempat peristirahatan terakhirmu ...
Insyaallah, you go away with khusnul khatimah... Amiin Yaa Rabbal'alamiin ...
Menghadaplah pada Robb Dzat Pemilik Arsy dengan senyum, dad.... We love you much.... :')
And we were
grateful to you,dad... you gone set a precedent
for us, your children ... that there was no limit between siblings or step brother-sister,
we all were one family,
we were your children ...
We love you, dad ... Happy Fathers Day....
Allah ... place him on Your-Side, on Your-Heaven, with Rosulullah SAW...
Amiin Yaa Rabbal'alamiin...
 |
| Our last family photo with our dad in last April 2013. He's in right side. (Too dark and little blur because I was taking picture from photo album) |
You'll never feel the lost if you have never feel belong...
*I hope this story might be an inspiration to you, just treat the people were near to you, before you lose it.
Salam.
