I aimed this to the readers outside
Indonesia. Enjoy! :)
Bening
Rahardjo, so that's how I call
myself. My pretty first name (Bening) given by my uncle (mom's
brother) when he was sailing. While my last name (Rahardjo) is the last name of my biological
father. I use it
after he died early 2009, I try to
keep honor him as the biological father. Although since born, I was not with
him, and just
enjoyed a short
meeting before he
died. However,
the blood relationship
between father and daughter remained there even I
get married. I declare myself as a woman who found independence in her life.
I grow up healthy, Alhamdulillah,
something
worth and I'm thankful for that. Although
in 2006,
there was little disruption in my health. The disruption was so greatly influenced to my daily activities,
which requires me 'must
tolerate' my physical
condition. However,
I still thankful for all,
as a form of personal
affection from Allah Subhanahuwata'ala. A
specialist who handle
me always comforting
with his jokes,
though I think himself was too old,
and more worthy of being entertained than me. First,
before entering the operating room in mid-2008, with that condition,
I was very submissive,
even I dunno have the heart to say something to my mom. I
was so worried for "life" because I really
love my family. In
fact, it seems I had turn my anxiety to God.
Before
entering the operating room, I asked
the doctor of anesthesia:
"Doctor, if God was Great
Creator in this life, why HE
did not create a reset button to his servant uh?".
The doctor
who actually had made an agreement with mom,
(because my condition
is not stable) he
was not sure that the
operation will be run easily, then he answer my stupid questions with his wise, and
this is what makes me
always thankful for my health condition which until
now unstable sometimes:
"My young lady,
God has created a tremendous
reset button in our lives, it's
called the pain.
Because without feeling pain, we will never change.."
I thought, what he said
could be drawn generally, not
merely in health issues, but also our
lives. Yes, pain or pleasure
in our life,
all should be grateful. I'm
really grateful to dr. Purwanto,
Sp.An. which had given me the wise sentence,
which very useful to form myself become a person who always
grateful, optimistic
and stay motivated.
I'm thankful with my life and all those who
have accompanied me--I call them, family. Mom, a major woman who will always be honored in my life, which
her limitations in providing the best education for me. The Grandpa and Grandma who prepared
myself to face all the changes and face the hard life. All
the wisdom will never fade during my life adventure to reach the goal,
adversity and achievement. All of
there which are in a simple and
comfortable place,
which we call Ndalem Martanan---is that all---were so fabulous inspiring. Without abandoning the past, they are
still working hard to carve out the future. Their goal
is to provide a place that
serves every person
to live in dignity with himself,
there is no room for parochialism, or to act
irresponsible and incorrect.
If a lot of people ask me,
why it was like I forget my hometown. Why am
I so arrogant to be able to socialize again there, like most people who are back home from overseas. Usually
there is a reason why
people do or do not something. For me, to
live in the town, evoking painful memories of the past. Something
bitter in the past,
which will never be
understood by anyone. At night I often could not sleep because of extreme depression hide away in overseas. It
happens every time I remember my hometown, a
small village with a lot of bitter stories in it. I do not forget anything, nope.
Because Ndalem Martanan, where I grew
up and raised
until 18 years, I still
love the whole.
Although Ndalem Martanan located on side of the road that connecting district area, the building is still
standing strong and being part of village. I
also feel,
while I staying there,
then I will not thrive. With all
the character of parochialism
in the past, I
had deeply hurt,
so for me personally it is natural that I become arrogant because of my pain. That's all
the reason. For
me, the residence of each person is in their future,
not in the past.
Various challenges are productive, fulfilling life and exciting. Then, why should they
travel to the past that will only arouse bitter-sore of old memories?
I'm trying to forget the bitterness.
Initially I
failed. For
example, this happened a while ago after I
suffered a long period of depression.
I feel cheated outright by a friend, just because of text sentence yes / no.
Such angry,
I threw up a very harsh sentence, as hard as my principles---do not be "dumeh" people (feel you are the most). And he feel very offended by me, and
our relationship was not
so good. Although
I have tell him a genuine apology, even I explained the main reasons why that sentence was to be thrown away
from me. But, no response. Never mind.
I quite understand and tolerate it.
I hope that will go
better as before. Obviously, this also
makes a lesson for me, to
be able to be elegant,
realistic and no talk
nonsense. Because people who educated and respectable,
would not hurt their pride just for stupid words.
