Friday, July 12, 2013

"More Half Century of Ndalem Martanan That Shape Me and My Principles, as Bening Rahardjo". [PART 1]

This post is English translation of my post Ndalem Martanan and Me {PART 1} 
I aimed this to the readers outside Indonesia. Enjoy! :)

Bening Rahardjo, so that's how I call myself. My pretty first name (Bening) given by my uncle (mom's brother) when he was sailing. While my last name (Rahardjo) is the last name of my biological father. I use it after he died early 2009, I try to keep honor him as the biological father. Although since born, I was not with him, and just enjoyed a short meeting before he died. However, the blood relationship between father and daughter remained there even I get married. I declare myself as a woman who found independence in her life. I grow up healthy, Alhamdulillah, something worth and I'm thankful for that. Although in 2006, there was little disruption in my health. The disruption was so greatly influenced to my daily activities, which requires me 'must tolerate' my physical condition. However, I still thankful for all, as a form of personal affection from Allah Subhanahuwata'ala. A specialist who handle me always comforting with his jokes, though I think himself was too old, and more worthy of being entertained than me. First, before entering the operating room in mid-2008, with that condition, I was very submissive, even I dunno have the heart to say something to my mom. I was so worried for "life" because I really love my family. In fact, it seems I had turn my anxiety to God.

Before entering the operating room, I asked the doctor of anesthesia:  
"Doctor, if God was Great Creator in this life, why HE did not create a reset button to his servant uh?".

The doctor who actually had made ​​an agreement with mom, (because my condition is not stable) he was not sure that the operation will be run easily, then he answer my stupid questions with his wise, and this is what makes me always thankful for my health condition which until now unstable sometimes:
"My young lady, God has created a tremendous reset button in our lives, it's called the pain. Because without feeling pain, we will never change.."
I thought, what he said could be drawn generally, not merely in health issues, but also our lives. Yes, pain or pleasure in our life, all should be grateful. I'm really grateful to dr. Purwanto, Sp.An. which had given me the wise sentence, which very useful to form myself become a person who always grateful, optimistic and stay motivated.

I'm thankful with my life and all those who have accompanied me--I call them, family. Mom, a major woman who will always be honored in my life, which her limitations in providing the best education for me. The Grandpa and Grandma who prepared myself to face all the changes and face the hard life. All the wisdom will never fade during my life adventure to reach the goal, adversity and achievement. All of there which are in a simple and comfortable place, which we call Ndalem Martanan---is that all---were so fabulous inspiring. Without abandoning the past, they are still working hard to carve out the future. Their goal is to provide a place that serves every person to live in dignity with himself, there is no room for parochialism, or to act irresponsible and incorrect.

If a lot of people ask me, why it was like I forget my hometown. Why am I so arrogant to be able to socialize again there, like most people who are back home from overseas. Usually there is a reason why people do or do not something. For me, to live in the town, evoking painful memories of the past. Something bitter in the past, which will never be understood by anyone. At night I often could not sleep because of extreme depression hide away in overseas. It happens every time I remember my hometown, a small village with a lot of bitter stories in it. I do not forget anything, nope. Because Ndalem Martanan, where I grew up and raised until 18 years, I still love the whole. Although Ndalem Martanan located on side of the road that connecting district area, the building is still standing strong and being part of village. I also feel, while I  staying there, then I will not thrive. With all the character of parochialism in the past, I had deeply hurt, so for me personally it is natural that I become arrogant because of my pain. That's all the reason. For me, the residence of each person is in their future, not in the past. Various challenges are productive, fulfilling life and exciting. Then, why should they travel to the past that will only arouse bitter-sore of old memories?

I'm trying to forget the bitterness. Initially I failed. For example, this happened a while ago after I suffered a long period of depression. I feel cheated outright by a friend, just because of text sentence yes / no. Such angry, I threw up a very harsh sentence, as hard as my principles---do not be "dumeh" people (feel you are the most). And he feel very offended by me, and our relationship was not so good. Although I have tell him a genuine apology, even I explained the main reasons why that sentence was to be thrown away from me. But, no response. Never mind. I quite understand and tolerate it. I hope that will go better as before Obviously, this also makes a lesson for me, to be able to be elegant, realistic and no talk nonsense. Because people who educated and respectable, would not hurt their pride just for stupid words.