Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Making Peace

Hurts. That's the right word for our feelings when we are betrayed either by best friend, friends, relatives, or even families. Sometimes betrayal finds us even when we are not prepared for it nor wanted it. However, life is rarely perfect. Like compare what we want and what we have. And life is about making choices. Sometimes, choose to forgive or hold a grudge forever, will be two options that we have encountered. I know, it would never be easy to forgive those things that have been hurt us. However, it would be much harder, if we have to hold grudge as long as lifetime. The effect, it can contaminate our heart, obscure our positive thoughts, makes us grumpy, make our face look more grim, which is more badly--causing health problems (cardiac, stress or even amnesia).

I was part of the bitterness of the past, which is very hard to forgive. But, I tried to make peace with all of it. I want to eliminate the grudges. Making peace with my own thoughts and pain. It was heavier. I knew. And it was not easy to be in my current point, it took long process. Many years, with many tears and pain. In fact, after all the time it's passed, it's been more ten years, but I still traumatized by it. I feel like I've recovered from my illness, in fact it has not yet. I feel like I've managed to escape from bitter memories, in fact it has not yet. I feel like I've reconciled with my fears, in fact it has not yet. The climax is, last night I was still haunted by nightmares again. I was crying in terror by my thoughts again.

When I woke up, I asked: "My Lord Alloh, do I still can not reconciled with my past? Do I still hold a grudge by that incident?"

Now, I was in a step of recognizing, what should I leave behind and what should I keep. Friends, environment, relatives? Like what? Almost even, I could not recognize those who betrayed me--because I always assume positive on them. Good memories, bad memories? Which should be discarded? If in fact the bitterest thing could never be discarded as well. I just remember, God is the almighty of forgiving. Change from bad to good was easy, but to always be the good one, it is hard.


-Bening Rahardjo-